Adrian and I met at a book reading, my book reading, to be exact. He had come in to listen to me read from my latest novel, or at least, that was what I’d thought. As the small crowd dispersed and I’d signed the last of the autographs, Adrian managed to meet me on my way out of the store. I’d assumed that he wanted an autograph, but it never dawned on me that he’d just want me instead. I didn’t even realize that I’d accepted his invite for a latte until we were seated in the nearest coffee shop.
“I know you think I’m just another fan, wanting to get close to you,” he said. “And I guess that’s true, in a way, I am a really big fan.”
I just smiled, not really knowing what to say. I’d just broken my number one rule; never get too close to the fans. I looked around, plotting the quickest way to the door just in case this took a turn for the worse.
Adrian continued on, “The emotions of your characters are so real, so…human. Do you ever use real-life experiences in your writing?”
I started to tell him no, not wanting to get too involved, but for some reason, I felt drawn to be truthful. “Sometimes I do. I’ve been told that the more depressed I am, the better I write.”
He looked at me thoughtfully. “You don’t write well when you’re content and happy?”
The waitress interrupted by bringing our orders and I stared at the pale colored drink in front of me. Adrian cleared his throat. “I’m sorry; that was getting a little personal.”
I shook my head. “I used to write well when I was happy. After Thomas, my partner, died I kind of sank into a routine. The more depressed I was, the better I was at getting the emotion into my writing.”
“He died between the second and third book of the series, didn’t he?”
I shifted uncomfortably. “Was it that bad?”
“No, no,” he said, reaching across the table and touching the back of my hand. “It just seemed that Drake’s motives and emotions became a bit darker. It seemed that he’d lost his way.”
My editor, Mike, had said the same thing. I’d argued that it was just part of his character makeup; that he was allowed to be angry. I’d also argued that the third book was going to be a transitional book, of sorts, and promised that things would turn around for Drake in the fourth book. Mike was skeptical, but accepted the book as it was. He threatened me that if the fourth book in the series wasn’t up to par that my contract, as well as my advance, was in jeopardy.
Adrian cleared his throat and I realized that I’d been sitting there, thinking silently to myself. I gave a weak smile and sighed. “Drake was supposed to lose his way. He’d just lost his partner of ten years and the captain teamed him with a rookie detective. Was he supposed to be happy about that?”
“He’s your character,” Adrian smiled warmly. “Mind if I ask how the fourth book is coming along?”
I sighed heavily. “Truthfully?”
“If you feel comfortable with that.”
Strangely enough, I did. I hadn’t felt this comfortable with someone in a long time; not since Thomas. A lump formed in my throat and I suddenly felt like I was betraying him. I reached for my wallet and stood, throwing a few bills onto the table, apologizing. “I’m sorry Adrian. I can’t…”
“David?” I heard him calling after me as I ran out the front door of the coffee shop.
People on the sidewalk looked at me as if I were crazy as I rushed through the crowd, trying to find a secluded spot. I wasn’t about to go back to my apartment. Adrian had seemed like a nice enough guy; leading him straight to my apartment, however, just wasn’t what I needed. Since I refused to go home, I headed for what had been my respite for the past two years—the fountain in the park.
I’d been sitting on the bench in front of the fountain for nearly an hour, when someone sat down on the bench beside me. I tried to ignore them, not look at them, but when they moved closer, I couldn’t help but look up. Adrian gave me a look of concern.
“What are you doing here?” I snapped.
“I want to apologize,” he said softly. “I know you think I’m probably some crazed fan, following you, stalking you, but I assure you, that isn’t the case. I do love your work, but I wasn’t at the bookstore tonight to hear you read. I’d stopped in to place a special order on my way home and was drawn to the back of the store by the sound of your voice. I just had to see if the person and the voice matched.”
I nodded absently.
“I didn’t ask the writer out for coffee,” he scooted closer to me. “I asked the handsome man with the sexy voice out for coffee. I screwed up when I started talking about your writing and your books. Honestly, I just picked a subject that I thought would be easy and might lead to other things.”
“Oh, other things,” I growled. “I’m not into hooking up for a quick fuck either.”
“Shit,” Adrian sighed. “The more I talk, the worse this sounds. I wasn’t looking for a quick fuck. I was looking to connect with someone I found intelligent and attractive, that’s all.”
I looked up, watching the water as it cascaded down into the pool below. “I’ve survived on pain for so long. It’s been the only steady, constant thing in my life for the past two years.”
“But?” Adrian pressed, trying to get me to continue.
Tears burned at my eyes, but I tried like hell not to let them fall as I spoke. “I still miss him; miss him terribly at times, but that heart-wrenching pain of losing him and having to move on…it’s no longer there. As I sat there with you in the coffee shop, it was the most I’ve been at ease in a long time. I’ve never felt that comfort level with anyone in my life, except for Thomas. In a way, I felt like I was betraying him.”
Adrian scooted closer, putting his arm around my shoulder. He tipped his head toward me, almost resting it against my shoulder. “I know how that feels David,” he said quietly. “I was married once, a long time ago, even had a son.”
I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “Oh?”
He nodded. “My parent’s were strict, southern Baptists and believe me, when you grow up in that setting, dealing with sex and sexuality is about like handling a live grenade.”
“I know,” I chuckled. “My parents were the same way.”
Adrian smiled warmly at me and continued. “I’d always been attracted to guys, but I ended up marrying the girl I dated in high school and a year later we had a bouncing baby boy. His name was Nicolas and I loved him more than anything or anyone else in the world. I loved Beth too, but it was a different kind of love. It was more of the love I had for a close friend or a sister. For three years I struggled with telling her about me…about how I felt.”
“How’d she take it?” I asked, surprising myself.
“I never got to tell her,” Adrian said. “She and Nicolas were in an accident on the way home from the grocery store one night. The doctors told me that it was instant, that they hadn’t suffered.”
“Oh Adrian,” I whispered, turning toward him. “I’m so sorry.”
He reached down and took my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. “I cut myself off from the rest of the world after that. I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep; didn’t give a fuck what happened to me. I too, lived on the pain of my loss. And when that pain started to ease up and go away, I clung to it even more. I felt like not hurting anymore was a betrayal to Beth and Nicolas both.”
“How did you get to where you are now? Obviously you were able to work through that.”
“It all changed with a dream,” Adrian sighed, smiling. “About a year later, I dreamed that I was out in the yard playing with Nicolas. He suddenly stopped playing and looked up at me, asking me why I was so sad. I told him that it was because I missed him so much. He took me by the hands and said that he’d always be with me but that he wanted me to be happy. There was a little more than that, but I woke up from that dream bawling like a baby. I cried for weeks after that. But, one day, I ran across some pictures of us all together and instead of crying, I smiled.”
I nodded, knowing how that was. “I found some pictures a while back, some that Thomas and I had taken on a vacation to the Oregon coast. I shed a few happy tears and had the shot blown up and framed…something Thomas had wanted to do for a long time.”
“You’re not betraying him by moving on, David,” Adrian said softly.
“I’m in the middle of the fourth book,” I said suddenly. “I’ve not been able to write for months.”
“Why not?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Drake needs to move on. But it’s almost like he’s fighting me, trying to stay in the pain while I’m trying to give him happiness. I don’t know, I guess the thing is, is that I’ve actually forgotten what it’s like to write when I was happy.”
Adrian looked at me thoughtfully. “Not to sound harsh, but maybe it’s you that’s fighting moving on.”
“You might be right,” I shrugged. “Maybe I’ve been trying to pick and choose what parts of my life to move on with.”
“What do you think Thomas would say to you, if he could come back and talk to you at this point in your life?”
“He made me promise him, a couple of months before he died, that I wouldn’t just sit around the apartment and feel sorry for myself. I think he’d be highly pissed off that I’ve been doing just that.”
“It’s never too late to start being happy, David.” Adrian said as he leaned in and placed a soft kiss against my lips.
I melted against him and for the first time in over two years, I felt truly alive. I reached up and pressed my hand to his cheek, wanting to reassure myself that he was real.
Adrian broke the kiss and pulled away, his bright blue eyes searching my face. “I hate to go, but I’ve got a long day tomorrow. Can I see you again?”
I looked at my watch, surprised to see that it was half past midnight. “I didn’t realize it was so late. Can I walk you home?”
He shook his head. “It’s ok. I only live a few blocks from the bookstore.”
“Really?” I asked in disbelief. “So do I.”
After exchanging addresses, we were both shocked to learn that we only lived a block away from each other. Adrian stood and pulled me up from the bench. “How about we walk each other home then?”
I nodded quickly and we headed out of the park and back in the general direction of the coffee shop. As we neared the coffee shop, Adrian’s hand touched against mine. I was unsure about what he wanted, but a few moments later, he laced his fingers lightly through mine, making it crystal clear that he wanted to hold my hand.
When we got to my apartment building, I pulled him into the shadows of the garden walkway and looked at him intently. “I would like to see you again.”
He gave me a bright, beautiful smile. “Dinner tomorrow night? Or is that too much too soon?”
“Dinner would be great,” I said quickly.
“I’ll come by about six-thirty and we can figure out where to go from there. Is that ok?”
“Great,” I smiled.
He leaned forward and kissed me, but this time, the kiss wasn’t anything like the soft, sweet kiss on the park bench. It was an intense, breath-stealing, awe-inspiring kiss; a kiss it seemed that I’d waited a lifetime for. He broke away and rested his forehead against mine. “Goodnight, David.”
“Goodnight,” I whispered, watching as Adrian turned and made his way back toward the street. I wanted to run to him and kiss him again, but forced myself to stay where I was. I watched him walk away until I couldn’t see him anymore before turning and going into my building.
I sat down at my desk and turned on the computer, knowing I needed to check my email before going to bed. I’d been neglecting it for days and knew it had to be adding up by now. I rested my chin in my hand as I waited for the computer to load and the subtle scent of Adrian’s cologne made me grin.
Two hours later, I was surprised to see that I’d gone through, and replied, to over two hundred emails. Just as I was about to log off, I got a notification of a new email. I started to close the program anyway and let it wait, but decided that I had no idea of when I’d get to my email next. As I clicked on the email, excitement shot through me. It was from Adrian.
‘David, I hope this goes to you and not some agent or editor. I figured it couldn’t hurt to try the address I found on your website. I could just walk down there to tell you this, but I don’t want you to feel like I’m pushing you. I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed the time I spent with you tonight and I’m looking forward to dinner. ~Adrian’
I looked at the clock, remembering that Adrian said he had a long day the next day, and wondered why he was still awake. I hit the reply button, but then sat staring dumbfounded at the screen. I decided to keep it simple and returned the sentiment, giving him my number in case anything came up and he wanted to cancel. I also added a small line, telling him that he should’ve been in bed long ago.
About five minutes later, I got another email from him, his phone number included.
‘Not a chance in hell of me canceling. And I would be asleep if I could stop thinking about you. See you tonight. ~Adrian.
####
Dinner that next night was incredible. Adrian took me to a quaint little restaurant, one with dim lighting and pillows for chairs. Two and a half hours later, after drinks, dinner, and dessert, we left the restaurant and headed home. I wasn’t ready for the night to end and when Adrian stopped us in front of my building, I took his hand, smiling at him. “Come up for a while?”
Adrian pulled me back to the place in the shadows where we’d stood and kissed the night before and he pushed me back behind a large bush, pressing one hand into the brick above me. “I don’t know if that would be a good idea.”
“Why not?” I asked, suddenly filled with panic.
He inclined his head and the kiss that followed was so intense that the one the night before suddenly seemed like a peck on the cheek. My knees went weak and I wrapped my arms around his neck to steady myself, but that only seemed to drive him on. He slid his arms around my waist, pulling me into him. Finally, he pulled away and kissed me gently on the forehead. “That…is why.”
I nodded numbly, still trying to figure out why that was a bad thing.
“I feel this connection with you David. This feels like something with a hell of a lot of potential and I don’t want to fuck it up. Sex clouds things, makes things complicated long before they should be.”
“You don’t want complication?”
“Oh no, I want complications,” he chuckled. “But I want a relationship that can stand on its own before sex is ever introduced. Does that make sense?”
I nodded my head. “Keep talking like this and I’ll be proposing on our next date.”
Adrian smiled. “So what do you think? This something you’re interested in pursuing?”
“Yes,” I said softly. “It really is. Come on up and I’ll make some coffee. No pressure, no expectations…just coffee and conversation.”
“I’ll come up on one condition,” Adrian chuckled.
“What’s that?” I asked, suddenly wary of where he was going with this.
“Will you read to me? Something of yours?”
I nodded and reached down, taking his hand and pulling him back to the sidewalk. “I’ll read anything you want me to.”
Adrian nodded. “Lead the way, babe.”
####
Things between Adrian and I became comfortable very quickly. We always seemed to know what the other was thinking and damned if it didn’t seem like we spoke in code with the way we always finished each other’s sentences. It was as if we were riding the same mental wave-length much of the time, and miscommunication between us was a very rare thing. For the first month, the farthest things went sexually, was me kissing him goodbye and him coming in his pants. The second month we were riding a fine line between desperation and need. Our third month started with a romantic dinner at the same restaurant where we had our first date.
We’d gone back to Adrian’s place and he’d opened a bottle of wine. I lit a few candles and put in a CD that I’d picked up earlier in the day. It wasn’t long before Adrian and I were holding each other, swaying to the rhythm of the music. The moment he leaned in and kissed me, I knew that our mutual decision to wait for sex had now progressed to a mutual decision to have sex.
Making love with Adrian was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. He was both tender and rough, in all the right moments and just like in our daily life, we seemed to be on the same sexual wave-length. He knew where, when, and how to touch to give the maximum of pleasure.
We’d lain in bed that night, Adrian holding me tightly in his arms, brushing his lips back and forth over my shoulder. “David,” he whispered, his warm breath against my skin making me shudder. “I’m so glad I found you at the fountain that night.”
I began running my fingers lovingly through his hair, knowing how he loves it. “I’m glad you found me too, Adrian. I love you so much.”
“Love you too,” he said, nuzzling his face into the bend of my neck. After a few minutes he sighed. “The lease on my apartment is up next month, think I should renew it?”
I’d never expected for love to find me again, but it had, in Adrian. I knew, without a doubt, that I wanted to share my life with him. “No,” I said softly. “I don’t think you should.”
####
Our working hours fit well together. I’d write while Adrian was at the office, and when he’d come home, we’d both pitch in equally to make things work. We had a few friends between us that we went out with on occasion, but being mostly private people, we preferred quiet nights at home, doing things together.
I think one of the things I loved most about Adrian was that he was so very calm and understanding. He had definitely helped me keep my sanity over the years. When I had to break long-standing plans just to make a book deadline, he rescheduled; when I had a break-down because of a bad review or because my editor ripped me to shreds making me feel like hammered shit, he’d fix me a cup of tea and ask me to tell him about it.
Hell, Adrian had also understood when I broke down about seven months into our relationship because I forgot Thomas’s birthday. It was then, I think, that I realized I had moved on and that I was really ok about it. I realized that even though he was gone, I’d still have the memories of our life together. Soon after, I decided that it was time I went through the rest of Thomas’s important papers. After the funeral, I’d shoved them into a box and hadn’t opened it again.
As I went through his things, I came across a few letters that Thomas had stuck into a book that I’d signed for him shortly before he died. They were beautifully written, telling me how much he loved me and how he was so lucky to have had me in his life. I held on to the letters for days, reading and rereading them, and then finally, sharing them with Adrian. Adrian had smiled, saying that it was like the past and present had finally come together to talk about the future.
Over the next nine years, we spent so much time together that I immediately took notice when Adrian’s attitude and demeanor shifted. He’d been distant over the past couple of months and I could probably count on one hand the number of times we’d made love…each time, me being the one to initiate it. As we made love, he just seemed to be going through the motions.
Adrian had called mid-morning from work, just as I’d sat down to start writing, asking me to meet him at the fountain at noon. The fountain was our happy place, but it was also where we went when things were bad, when we needed to talk on common ground; it was the place we went to talk to avoid judgment from the other. I suddenly realized, that with the way things had been for the past couple of months, that whatever was coming, wasn’t good.
I’d picked up a cup of coffee on my way and had arrived early. I sat down on the bench, and closed my eyes, listening to the cascade of water as it fell to the pool below, trying to let the sound of the water falling calm me.
About ten minutes after I arrived, Adrian sat down beside me and reached over, taking my hand. “I know I’ve been a real shit for the past few months and I apologize.”
“Adrian, please,” I pleaded. “What’s going on?”
He moved around and knelt in front of me. As he looked up, tears flooded his eyes. “I’ve got cancer.”
“What!” I exclaimed, my coffee hitting the ground and spilling out over the grass.
He swallowed hard. “I found a lump on my right testicle while I was in the shower a couple of months ago. I told myself that it was nothing; that it was just an ingrown hair or something and I waited for it to go away, but it didn’t. It kept getting bigger and bigger. I didn’t want to worry you…”
“Oh Adrian,” I leaned forward, taking his face in my hands. “Is this what you’ve been keeping from me?”
He nodded. “You’re so close to deadline and I didn’t want to worry you. I finally couldn’t stand being paranoid about it though and went in for testing last week; blood work, ultrasounds, stuff like that. I had a doctor’s appointment this morning to find out the results.” Adrian laid his head in my lap and began sobbing. I ran my fingers through his dark hair, trying to keep from losing it right there in the park. I was so hurt, but so scared at the same time.
He looked up at me, tears streaming down his cheeks and asked, “Do you hate me?”
“No,” I tried to reassure him. “I’m hurt and a little angry that you kept this from me. When are you going to understand that you can lean on me?”
“I know I can,” he sniffled.
I sighed heavily, pulling his face up to meet mine. “Show me you trust in me enough to just let go and let me take care of you.”
“I promise,” he sobbed. “Will you take me home?”
It was then that I wished we’d have invested in a car over the years. We’d never had a need for one before, but we were getting one now. No way was I dragging my baby onto a bus or the subway when he was sick. Adrian and I curled up in bed that night and I held him as he cried and told me about the doctor’s plan of action. I was relieved when I heard that the doctor was confident about Adrian making a full recovery.
Adrian looked up at me sadly. “But he also said there were no guarantees and that the treatments could be hard. We won’t know what I’ll have to have until after my surgery.”
“I’ll be right by your side, every step of the way.”
“But you have a deadline coming up in a month and you’re not even close to finishing.”
“The publisher will wait,” I said sternly. “And if they don’t, I’ll pull out and find a new one. We haven’t even touched the advance money for this book, so if we have to return it, it’s not a big deal.”
“I’m so scared.”
“I am too, baby. But the one thing you need to remember is that you’re not doing this alone.” I held him tightly, not wanting to let him go. I vowed that I’d do anything and everything I could to make the treatments go as smoothly as possible. Adrian had health insurance with his company and knew that he had enough vacation time saved up that he’d be able to take quite a bit of time off and not have to worry about the security of his job.
####
Adrian’s surgery had been successful and he’d immediately started on his radiation treatments. After that, he was constantly sick, constantly tired, and constantly medicated for pain and nausea. Over all, I think it was the nausea that hit him the hardest. It always seemed to sneak up on him when he least expected it. All of the tests and checkups that followed throughout the year came back clear, and life for us both took on a more normal, and less medical, environment.
The only thing that wasn’t quite back to normal was our sex life. I’d taken care of him; cleaned, bathed, and dressed him; but when it came to sex and making love, he was shy and self-conscious about his scar and his missing body part. After about five or six months, things slowly began to change and we made love more often. After much talking and encouragement, he finally agreed that I could touch his dick, but nothing lower.
It was a good eight months after his surgery that I sat him down one day and told him that he had to let that part of his body go, that it wasn’t coming back. He’d cried, telling me that he just wanted to be whole and perfect. I, in turn, looked him in the eyes and told him that he was my most perfect person in the world and that it had nothing at all to do with his balls, or lack thereof.
On the one year anniversary of him telling me he had cancer, Adrian called me from work and asked me to meet him at the fountain. I arrived early, as usual, and was standing with my hands shoved into my pockets, staring at the fountain, when a familiar voice spoke next to my ear.
“Hey there sexy,” He teased. “Meeting someone special?”
I turned to face him, and he handed me a bouquet of white roses. “I sure am,” I grinned, then looked to the roses. “What’s all this about?”
Adrian stepped in and placed a gentle kiss against my forehead. “I got a call from Dr. Talbot this morning.”
I looked up at him expectantly. “And?”
“White roses,” he grinned, “for a clean bill of health.”
I threw my arms around him, kissing him excitedly. “See? I told you it’d be clear!”
“I know,” he said, pulling me to sit on the bench. He sat down and put his arm around my shoulders, looking toward the fountain. “You know, it’s hard to believe that it’s going to be ten years since we sat here for the very first time.”
I nodded, laying the roses across my lap and reaching over to take his free hand. “This fountain has seen it all over the years, hasn’t it?”
“It’s sure as hell seen both our best and worst times.” Adrian turned, nuzzling his face into the side of my head, his lips catching at my ear. “Thank you for taking such good care of me.”
I turned, putting my forehead to his. “It’s all part of loving you, Adrian.”
He sighed softly, laying his head on my shoulder. “Well, then thank you for loving me so completely.”
I turned slightly and kissed him on the top of the head before my eyes went back to the cascade of water before us. My eyes caught a gold-colored square at the base of the pool; something that hadn’t been there before in the twelve years that I’d been coming to the fountain. I squinted, making out the words: Lover’s Fountain.
Copyright © 2007 JOURDAN LANE